So much time passes between my entries nowadays! I honestly do feel a bit directionless when it comes to this blog, though. FEEDBACK, MY PEOPLE! WHAT SHOULD I BE SHARING WITH YOU!? :) It'll make me a lot more dedicated!
With that in mind, this entry will be a cluster. My apologies. There's a lot to say today!!
Recently, I've been carrying a gigantic amount of stress. Aside from seasonal affective disorder, I'm undergoing the growing pains of "finding myself"; what makes me happy, what I need to change, and so forth. This pressure makes me resort to awful habits, the biggest one of all being one I thought I'd shaken years ago: night binge eating.
If you don't know what I mean by that, I mean the following typically happens: I go to work, I eat all my predetermined snacks and meals, I come home with absolutely no energy to prepare something with substance. So I lose self-control. I open the fridge, and I eat a little bit of everything. I eat until I'm like, "Why did I just eat all of that? What is my problem?"
Wow, this is really hard to talk about. Nevertheless, the struggle is part of the story.
But really, I spend a lot of time alone so I've got plenty of time to think this over. Chalene Johnson addressed this in either a podcast or book of hers: food is not love. In times of stress, when I'm away from my family and my social circle is very small, I turn to food. Throughout an entire lifetime of bullying, self-esteem issues, and stress: food was the comfort.
But I have worked too damn hard and have earned too much respect for myself to jump into a downward spiral, only because my life is challenging me.
Food is not love.
Food is not the enemy, but food is not love.
Food is fuel.
Repeat 'til it sticks, right?
The good news is, though, that this habit has only been happening for a little more than a week, so there's still time to shake it off. Another benefit is that, as an 80/20 eater, I don't buy junk food. So, even if I've eaten a ridiculous amount of calories, at least they were nutritionally benefitting me somehow. And, finally, I've been reading "The Slight Edge" by Jeff Olson, and I honestly think it's changing my life. It's amazing what I'm learning every single day. I'm going to get my shit together. I'm going to work towards progress. I'm not going to shove my head in a refrigerator to find the answers.
I'm going to take care of myself.
Interestingly enough, a few days later, I saw my struggles in action.
I was on the train,and a group of twentysomethings were huddled together & talking. My phone was dying, so I wasn't playing music as a distraction. I, therefore, overheard part of their conversation:
Girl: Have you seen pictures of Katie recently??
Other Girl: No...
Boy: OMG YES. She used to be so skinny, but now, she's BIG.
Girl: YEAH. She got HUGE!!!
Other Girl: OMG that's awful! What happened?
Girl: I don't know, I guess she moved to a new city and was just staying in by herself and drinking a lot of soda and eating crap and not working out.
Boy: Yeah I don't know, but ugh she looks terrible. She's sooo big!
Girl: Ugh gross!!
I could feel my blood start to boil. First of all, if this "Katie" is your friend, why would you be judging her for her weight like that? Wouldn't you find her valuable, no matter what size she's currently wearing?
Second, if the reasons you assumed to be true actually are, can't you hear that cry for help? Wouldn't you want to reach out to her, so she doesn't feel so alone?!? Maybe it's because I just revealed my own breakthrough, but it's not a new revelation that people turn to emotional eating as an escape. I speak from experience: it's really freaking hard to move to a completely different city where your social circle is very tight. I can't tell you how many times I text/Skype/call friends from all over when I'm missing them. Try being a good friend to her, you guys!!
And, finally, being "big" doesn't make you a "gross" person. Conversations like the one you just had? That's what makes you a "gross" person.
I was so thankful that the 3 of them exited the train at the next stop. I'm not sure I could've taken much more before I stood up for this "Katie" girl that I don't even know.
Life happens. You'll be skinny, you'll put weight on, you'll lose a few, you'll gain some back. That doesn't make you a bad person. Your circumstances do not determine who you are - it's all how you respond. It took me a very long time to figure that out, but I'm so glad I did. You should never be afraid to invest in yourself, both patience and finances.
Beachbody has honestly been my saving grace throughout this entire struggle. When life is bringing me down, my team picks up the pieces. I'm part of two fantastic groups that have been holding me accountable to my goals that I've set & have encouraged me greatly. With progress, I'm reaching all that I pursue. I'm helping so many people & it feels so, so rewarding. So, obviously, I'm going to turn to what has always worked for me: formulating a game plan.
I'm going to make an effort to make dinner options in my weekly meal prep, and have it planned out & in plain sight in the refrigerator. I'm going to follow the 21 Day Fix meal plan, because it is BRILLIANT and will keep me on track. And, once my Half Marathon is over, I'm going to commit to PiYo and TurboFire again, because that's what I look forward to the most.
Speaking of those programs, guess who's just about ready to teach her first TurboKick class?! I'm setting a class date for sometime in April. But wait! There's more!
Guess who's also strongly considering getting certified in PiYo and.....wait for it.... Insanity!!!
NYC, you'll get your ass kicked by me in one way or another... I hope you're ready. ;)
But first, it's time to rock the NYC Half Marathon. It's only SIX DAYS AWAY. I'm only slightly freaking out. :) I'll post a video on Saturday to fully describe how I'm feeling, so keep your eyes peeled for that.
But, here's my takeaway today: you're either on the way up or on the way down. Just start out with small habits every day, and watch your course of action change.
And don't be friends with people who insult you behind your back on the subway. They're too gross for you.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe." -Abraham Lincoln.